My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
How all things should be taught/explained.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀