doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
okay run it by me one more time
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.