ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.