To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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based al yankovic
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
no such thing as a dumb question