Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
You Might Also Like
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.