Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
You Might Also Like
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
For the baby who has everything
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.