Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Well, this is awkward
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.