Always…
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*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I don’t hate children, just yours.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE