gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.