the three branches of government
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Buck naked
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I have a place for everything. The floor.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Selfie
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Danger is very dangerous
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.