Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
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I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
only 11 steps left
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.