without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
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nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Every time.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.