The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
All set.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked