Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Every photo I’m tagged in
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles