the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
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I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”