*swipes right on my hand mirror
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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
sistine chapel
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.