I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.