If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Cake!!
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*