Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
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I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name