I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
me and who
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it