PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
blocked.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
For those that worship cheese..
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.