Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Oh deer
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*