Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I gave up going to work for lent.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
She was rare, like a goth jogging
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
They’re on their honeymoon
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.