Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
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Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud