Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
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[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
In banana years, I am bread.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.