[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Me too door. Me too.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”