HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
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[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
this is literally a CIA plant
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods