48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too