[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks