Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.