Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
You Might Also Like
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
“i am a sweet baby”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.