When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Had an epiphany today.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no