“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
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[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.