Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Probably my best painting.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
cats when you pet them too long:
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*