[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
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