*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.