Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
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But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Challenge accepted.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round