If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
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[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
my name if I was in the mob
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…