where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Rambo Rambow
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”