I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Erm I’m gonna say no
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”