Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Feels
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.