doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?