For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
These are too funny not to post 😂
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The asteroid..
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey