Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
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FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Great Canadian literature.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.