Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.