Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
This pepper has seen some shit
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it