“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them