U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
File under excellent bookstore names.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no