Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
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Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
🤭😂
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
sliding into dms like
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?