Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
The “baby” on the left….
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine